My Inner World

Religion. God. (Non)-belief.
These were the topics of an impromptu discussion I had with my mother in law the other day.
Like you can read in my 100 things about me, my in-laws are Born Again Christians.
I was not raised with any kind of religion. My dad’s best friend is Christian but that’s about as close to it as I have ever gotten. I remember being quiet before dinner, and “Uncle” H. reading to his kids from the bible. I never thought much about it; it was as it was. I never made fun of it, respected (and respect) their belief but was never convinced to “join” as it were.
As far as I can remember, I have always been aware of “guiding forces”.
“Don’t tempt the Gods” is something you will hear me say on quite the regular basis. I am very aware of “something” being out there. But God? The Bible? Although as a kid I liked the stories, I never saw them as anything but that: stories.
My mother in law was born and raised a Catholic. Then, about 30 years ago, she was, as she puts it: saved. She says she was sitting in her kitchen, thinking, and it all became clear to her. She accepted Jesus Christ in to her heart as her Savior and has never looked back. It sounds like an amazing experience. But to be completely honest: I don’t get it.
I am not being disrespectful. I just can’t imagine that kind of blind faith.
Thing here is that Paddy, he believes the same as his Mam. Well, pretty much anyway.
And, when I was pregnant, we had our fair share of discussions on the subject.
As her Daddy, he feels a very strong responsibility for his daughter’s soul.
I want my daughter to be the best person she can be, to be good to herself and to others and to live according to her conscience. In allot of ways, I am more of a Wicca kind of girl (not completely, but allot of it makes perfect sense to me) "An it harm none, do what ye will."

He wants all these things too, only with Jesus in her heart. I have no objections to him teaching her about Jesus. I don’t think it’s harmful. It’s not a crazy sect, no “give us all your money and we will get you a place in Heaven”
My only stipulation, if you will, is that he does it. Not my MIL, not his aunt. Him.
And that’s the plan.
I figured, that since this is going to be such a big part of my, our, life going forward, I’d better read up.
The Internet has proved an invaluable tool in gaining information. The “info” sites seemed a bit impersonal and I was looking for a bit more and so I ended up on Christian Mothers’ blogs. I have found them to be funny (in a good way), caring, loving women, who are very articulate in their descriptions of their families and their faith. But, whilst I AM getting more and more familiar with the general way of thinking, I still don’t subscribe to the faith.

I mentioned something I had read on one of the blogs (Reign of Ellen) to my MIL the other day and we got in to another discussion on the matter. I have told her before that I don’t believe in God but it was like it only sunk in this time. She kind of stopped and looked at me. “Mieneke, one day you will be standing in front of the Lord, and you will HAVE to believe and then it will be too late” She said, looking down at the last part of the sentence.
I told her that I found it hard to believe in a God that didn’t stand up for the defenseless. Why do babies get raped? Young children tortured and killed by their own parents? She says God gave us free will and that it’s the perpetrators’ decisions to do this, not God’s, and that they will pay the ultimate price. But I just can’t get around the fact that, in the meanwhile, these innocents are still made to suffer unspeakable horrors.
If praying helps, if that makes Him intervene, then why does He not intervene for the ones that can't pray? It’s something I don’t see me getting an acceptable answer to any time soon. My MIL got so passionate. It got quite heated. Normally, I will not let myself be spoken to in a certain tone, but with my MIL it’s different. She cares about me and I can really imagine how fired up she must be inside. She believes she is fighting for my soul. That would get me passionate too, if I believed the way she does. I am convinced that she includes me in her prayers, praying that I will come ‘round. So, I let her speak her peace.
I worry for the future, for what my daughter might hear. But I am hopeful that mutual respect will be the tool.
I’ve had Jesus on the brain, she just wishes I had him in my heart.