My Inner World

So, the ex from my 100 things about me.
He was my first true love (love, obsession, potaito - potato) and as such has had an enormous impact on my life.
He was very, very good looking, think Matt Damon only hotter) and had no shortage of female attention.

We started out as friends. As a group, our friends used to meet at this grand-café. There would almost always be someone there.
One night I was the first one to arrive and I sat down at "our" table to read. Then, let's call him "Matt", came in. His moped helmet in his hand. His hair in his eyes. Big grin on his face. I actually made a little gasp - he was very easy on the eyes.
We had met before (the group tended to expand, with friends of friends joining and leaving, this was the early days of the group, really early days) but had never had the chance to properly chat.
Compared to the other girls of the group, I was (am) not exactly a raving beauty and he had not made the best first impression on me when we met. His best mate and him could talk a truckload of the brown stuff when they were together. That first time we met, that was about me. (He apologized profusely for that later).

This night however, it was him and me (the rest never showed), fairy lights in the large windows, candles on the table and nice cold drinks. I can remember everything as vividly as if it was yesterday. We talked and we laughed. I was amazed that he was not just a pretty face. He loved his family, they were very close, they all played blues-music together. He cared about his friends a great deal. He had an excellent sense of humor.
We clicked, I swear, it was almost audible. When he had to leave, he brushed my cheek and gave me a big hug.

From that night on, we spoke every day and saw each other most days. We became best friends. He is the first person I could really say that I knew inside out. And he me. His best (male) friend, him and I were like our own little unit in our group. He would pick me up after work, we'd "hang". Have coffee together. We never ran out of stuff to talk about. We had great laughs together, but also "proper" talks.
Then, after a year or so, we had a drunken smooch. The whole group-relationships were a bit, erm, weird. I had kind of been with his best mate (let's call him "Ben") but that was never anything but some harmless kissing fun.

A few months after that Matt was my first.
I will never regret him being my first. I loved him to pieces and he felt the same. And, also very important, I trusted him completely.

The only thing was that, being a typical guy, he did not want commitment. He didn't want the rest of the group knowing our business so we kept it quiet. Ben became really jealous and feared I was taking his best mate away. It all got very messy. I was petrified of losing him and put up with a lot more sh*t than I should have. We split and came back together three times. It was so hard on Matt too, he genuinely cared about me but with both Ben and I looking for more than he could give.....

After the third "split" we were still friends, then we ended up "being together" one last time.
I have re-played that last night in my head at least a million times since then. Wishing with every fiber of my being that it never happened. The day after, he said he didn't want to see me again. I had lost my best friend in the whole world. Someone I literally loved more than my life.

The first while I was in denial. Then I was just in so much pain, that I had to shut down emotionally. It was like he had died. And my ability to feel, with him.
A few months after that Ben moved in with his new girlfriend. The sacrifices he had expected from Matt, were not ones he was willing to make himself.
Their friendship died and about a year after that, Matt moved in with his new girlfriend too.

Between that, and the relationship with my father being extremely bad and toxic, I decided I had to get the hell out of Dodge. First I moved to one of the Netherlands' Islands. I worked in a restaurant in the off-season. Lots of free time during the day and no other people around? Not a good idea.
So I moved back. Then, after having contemplated and even planned a very, very bad thing. I decided to up sticks, and move to Ireland.

Best Move Of My Life.

It saved my life. There were no reminders of Matt. Nobody that knew me. A fresh start. I was still involved in the motorcycle club and people there still made me feel special. I met new friends, new guys, partied. All in all, it had been almost 3 years and I was only starting to get over it then.
After a year and a half of party-ing I went to a Halloween Party in Wales. We drove over in the car, and we had to pick up someone on the way.
This turned out to be Paddy. He remembered me from an earlier party but I honestly didn't remember him. It lashed rain all the way to the Ferry and it was like going on some kind of adventure! Once there, I had the feeling that Paddy was avoiding me a bit. (Am still not sure why!)
But that was cool with me, I had other plans anyway. But, the other plan did not show up. The bartender did however, so I indulged with my friend Mr. J. Daniels! :)

Paddy turned out to love a lot of the same music I do so we ended up dancing together. We circled each other and, we kissed.
Holy Cow! That man can KISS! That's all that happened that night, we kissed, we hardly acknowledged it the next day and I didn't hear from him for a while after that. Then, while I was walking with some friends through Temple Bar, he called. We exchanged e-mail addresses and that was the start of our friendship. We sent each other e-mails every day. We got to know each other really, really well but didn't actually see each other for a few months. Then another party, another kiss. More e-mails, and text messages, oodles of text messages.
As fast and an intense as the friendship with Matt had started, that's how slow and steady Paddy and I went. Then, we had our first proper date. We had more than just kisses and we have celebrated our anniversary on that date every year since.

But I had some pretty nasty scars on my heart. I was not going to make an emotional investment to the level that I had with Matt again.
Paddy and I became closer, we had great fun together and I loved having that exited feeling in my stomach again. Looking forward to seeing him again. But still, I thought I held back. Then, one night, Paddy pulled me up in bed and said he had to tell me something. He was all cute and nervous. He told me that he loved me. And right then and there, I knew: I felt the same way. I told him so.

I had bought a card a few days before that said "My heart belongs to you" I hadn't given it to him yet though. I thought that because I had not felt the same kind of all consuming fire that I had felt with Matt, I was trying to kid myself. But when I heard Paddy tell me he loved me, it clicked:
Matt and I shared a very special time of our lives, we were extremely close and I will always love him to a certain extent. BUT, we were teenagers, with all the intensified emotions that go with that.

Paddy and I were different. I knew then that we were good, we were better than good. We were perfect for each other and we were meant to last. Our love was (is) deeper, it can not be compared to what the teenagers we were felt.
( I am sure that some teenagers find their soulmate when they are 15 and have long and happy lives together. It was just not for us.)
By taking things so slow, we built solid foundations. We moved in together after 9 months. (He hadn't even met my parents yet!). To this day, I still can't believe my luck.
I have a man that I love intensely, that I am planning to spend the rest of my life with, that loves me right back. He is kind, gentle, sexy and extremely level-headed. He can see the good side in everything and everyone (a trait I could do with myself). He is an amazing father, it takes my breath away to see him with our daughter.

And in a way, I have Matt to thank for Paddy. The lessons I learned with him, the pain I felt because of him, they all contributed to me finding Paddy and seeing the great thing I had with him. One of the first "Deep" conversations I had with Paddy concerned Matt and my father!

At the time I didn't see it, but the heartbreak had a reason. It was a necessary step towards finding my true love, the one the Universe meant to match me with. My Paddy.
And I am more grateful than I could ever put in to words.

(Geesh, that's a story and a half. Sorry for the excess sappy-ness, I guess having my own blog brings out the softie in me!)