My Inner World

My mother rang a few hours ago. My brother's girlfriend went in to labour. The waters broke so she will have to be born within the next 24 hours. Looks my brother will be a Daddy soon. Have a daughter of his very own. Can't believe how nervous I am, all things considered.....

Well, after two hours of pre-test lessons this AM, I still managed to fail my driving test.

BY ONE STUPID POINT!!!!

I made mistakes that I never, ever make in my daily driving.... It was like I was having an out of body experience. I was hearing and seeing everything a fraction of a second later than I normally would.
I saw the stop-sign, I mentally made the note to stop at the stop-sign and...... I drove straight through....

You are allowed 8 X's and I had 9.

I knew I had failed, 5 minutes in to the test. When, at the end, he told me to go back in to the test centre so he could tell me my results, I really wanted to say: "Don't bother, I know."

Could'nt wait to get back to my car. Only in Ireland can you fail your driving test, and then still drive home...

The drive home went as smooth as silk, go figure.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go sit on the sofa and sulk. At least until tomorrow morning, when I will re-apply! Gonna give it welly the next time!

That time of the week again! My works for me Wednesday this week has to do with learning to read and write.
I was reading from a very early age, but my penman ship left a bit to be desired.
So, my grandmother and I started corresponding. She only lived a 20 minute drive away but every week we would write each other a letter.
One of my fondest childhood memories is waiting for the mailman to arrive, or rushing home after school to see if there was any mail yet. Then, to sit down with my mam to read the letter and compose a new one together.



The letters were your basic "Hello Granny, how are you? I hope you are well? I am fine. " from my side but my Granny has kept them. So, in one go, I got to practice my penmanship, have a special activity with my Granny and mother and make a nice record of my life as a kid!
She has since done this with my little cousins too as they started to learn to read and write. A family tradition has been created and I really would like Munchkin to take it up too when the time comes.

In the age of e-mail and instant messaging. (Don't get me wrong, I love that too! Backspace was MADE for me!) I find that actual letter writing has been pushed to the side more and more and I think it's a shame. There's nothing quite like seeing a nice letter on your mat. (Instead of this incessant bills! ;)

I still like writing letters to friends and family but trying to find nice stationary is quite the task. I have not been able to find anything really nice for a very long time. If anyone knows of any place to get nice stationary (that deliver to Ireland.) Please let me know!

So, letter writing - Worked / Works for me!

Check out Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer for more!

A while ago I wrote this about a "political party" that is looking to gain ground in the Netherlands. You can find more information on these individuals here (Wikipedia).

It would seem that even with a huge amount of resistance and public uproar, they still plan on getting enough support declarations to be able to join in the upcoming elections. They will be going door to door to spread leaflets.

I hope someone opens their door, grabs one of these sick b*stards by the scruff of their neck, drags them to their basement and shows them what it's like to suffer like they have made these innocents to suffer.

Look at them:

They think they are SO right in persuing this....

I don't believe this is being allowed to happen in The Netherlands. That the "party" is even being allowed to campaign....

.............

The day after our daughter was born he called my mam to demand she tell him where the emergency 100 Euros was that he thought she had stashed in the house. He didn't ask about Munchkin, or how we were, he just yelled so hard I could hear him from my hospital bed. The world revolved around him. He made life hell for my parents and he terrorized them in their own home. Physically my Dad is not a match for him anymore and my Mam was emotionally so worn down that she ended up going to the doctor for anti-depressants and counseling. He intimidated them and got himself in deeper and deeper debt. My Dad hadn't spoken to him in over a year when my mam finally got the nerve to tell A. he had until a certain time to leave. (My mother had stopped my Dad from saying that before). A. got a job on one of the islands as a pizza baker. There, he met a lady with three kids. It would seem they fell in love and they moved to the most southern part of the Netherlands. (My parents live up in the north of the Netherlands.)

He dropped off the radar for a good few months, hiding from the creditors. Then, he had to come back to our town for some reason and he and my mam met in the café on the train station. They established a very fragile contact again. My Dad hasn't spoken to him in years and my mam hasn't even met his new family yet. Then, A. cut off contact again because my mam had the nerve to give his phone number to our grandmother...

Now, his girlfriend is due to give birth to their daughter any day now. I know it's very hard on my Dad. But, for his own sanity, he has had to cut all ties with A. And I don't blame him. A. has gone waaaaaayy to far for there to be any hope of reconciliation. Still though, there's going to be another granddaughter, one that's in the same country as him and he still won't be able to see her.
My mam is taking it very hard too, the idea of being a "Beppe" (Granny) to a child that is relatively close by but still beyond her reach, is cutting her up inside. I will have a niece that I will never see, and even though my brother has yet to send our daughter a birthday card or call at Christmas, or show any kind of interest, I would love to spoil his daughter. To be "fun auntie Mieneke" from Ireland. To establish a relationship.

And so, my brother has got himself another piece of leverage. I hate to be that cynical, but I know that my brother is seeing it that way, at least in part. "They won't get to see my daughter, that 'ell show 'em!" And my heart breaks for my parents. They didn't and don't deserve this.
When we were over there, we had a conversation about it one evening on the boat. My mam says that where we see the manipulating little B*stard, she still sees the boy that was helpless and needed her. She said she saw him once when she was picking him up from school. He was walking down the stairs, alone in a crowd of people and he looked so vulnerable. I can see the image in my mind, and I know that deep down inside him, there IS a center of good. Someone who doesn't want things to be the way they are. The idea makes my heart hurt too. I'm just afraid that he has burnt too many bridges, done one to many mean and nasty thing.

I hope his new family is it for him, that he will find himself on the right path again. That he doesn't pass his twisted ideas on to his (step)-children and that he learns to be a good father. That he will be able to deal with his (step)-kids as they head in to puberty. I hope he turns in to the kind of man I know he can be, and wants to be.

As he starts this new chapter in his life, I wish him peace, love and light. Who knows, maybe the families will find each other again someday.....

This turned out to be such a long post, that I decided to post it in two parts, one today, one tomorrow.

My brother is two years younger than I am. He has always been a bit of a handful. We have an older foster brother, W., who ran with wrong crowd for a while and my brother, A., thought this was the coolest thing ever. He looked up to W. and wanted to be just like him. He thought criminals that were a bit higher up the crime food chain were the coolest dudes ever.
A. is a tall, strong lad, he impresses with his physique and he was quite the popular guy in our teenage years. He has lightning quick wit and is very intelligent. Thankfully, he never really made it in to a life of crime to the extent that we once feared he might but he didn't quite make it to the straight and narrow either. He was in and out of 5 Middle Schools (High Schools) and never finished one. The weird thing is though, that he would get in to trouble for beating up the big guys that would be picking on the "nerds".
He once bashed a guy over the head with a lunchbox that this guy had taken from a 12 year old first year. He hated to see injustice. And would loose the plot completely if he was accused of something that he didn't do.
He also cut class and eventually all the contacts my dad had, were used up and he had to quit school.

When I started ballroom dancing (It's very popular 'round our parts, all the cool kids do it! ;) ), he joined a year later, and I think that saved him from going down the wrong path too much. There was a different "vibe" there.
A. had an extremely bad temper. He has beaten me up twice. For incredibly stupid reasons. I ended up with bruises all over my body, a lump on my ankle the size of an egg where he pushed me down a step and muscles so sore that I couldn't go to work as a waitress because I couldn't lift my tray. Don't get me wrong, this is not a huge youth trauma to me. I know people that have been through much, much worse. It wasn't fun at the time but it pales in comparison to what some people have experienced.
Matt picked me up from work that second time because I just couldn't hack it and I stayed in his house. So my parents did not see me straight after.
My mam only found out about it three days later and she never told my dad, even though she said she had. She had asked me to leave it to her. My Dad only found out about those times recently and he was distraught about it. He says he didn't know and would have taken severe action had he known.
Our Dad worked allot, he was either at work, or at home behind the PC. There were no family outings as such and anything family-like would come from our mam. Then when our teenage years hit, accompanied by the usual turmoils, our Dad said and did some nasty things. He didn't lay a finger on us but the mental and emotional blows were pretty bad. Now, I know that this was because he just was not equipped for dealing with teenagers.
He had certain expectations of how we would turn out and when they weren't met..... He couldn't handle it.

Between that and losing my first love and best friend, Matt, I had to get the hell out of Dodge. A. stayed. He moved in with his girlfriend but was on welfare and just didn't pull his own weight. His girlfriend wised up and they split, sending A. back to our parents' house.
He would go out until all hours, stay in bed until the late afternoon and be off to the pool hall again. My dad organized work for him, which he botched up by not showing up or showing up hung over. He demanded money from my mother, stole from her. Got himself in to monumental debt and expected my parents to sort it out for him. He thought (and probably still thinks) the world owed him something. Especially my parents. He says it's their fault he is the way he is.
I grew up in the same house he did, was there for the same fights and the same lack of attention from our Dad. For the same mental and emotional nastiness. It wasn't fun and I find that some memories still sting a bit more than others BUT, I got over it already! Sh*t happens. It sucks, but our parents are human too and they are not the same people they were 10-15 years ago. It has been over a decade. Life goes on, deal with it. There comes a time that you have to take charge of your own life. Take responsibility for your own decisions. ( I will be the first one to say though, that had I stayed in that toxic environment, I would have taken a lot longer to "get there" too.... Paddy made me see things allot clearer.) ...............


(More Tomorrow)

Sunday Morning, my “lie-in” morning. Paddy gets up with Munchkin and Mamma gets a few extra hours kip.
Right it the middle of the strangest dream in which my “Irish-life” and my “Dutch-life” are fused together. (My front door in Ireland, opens up onto my parents’ road…. How does my brain come up with it??) I hear “Mamma!! Mamma!! It’s your special day today!!!”. Munchkin is coming in to our bedroom with her toy tray full of her dolls tea-set. Right behind her is Paddy, with a real breakfast on a tray for me. Tea, juice, fruits-salad (Yummy, Yummy!! Man, there’s no escape from the Wiggles) and bread.
Munchkin jumping up and down singing “Happy Birthday to Mammy!!” and Paddy sitting with her at the end of the bed.

Thing is, it’s not by birthday, nor is it our anniversary. It was a “we love you” day.
Sitting there, listening to my daughter’s giggles, seeing her drag half her teddy collection in to our bed and having great fun with her Daddy, I just couldn’t believe how lucky I am.
I have a man who loves and respects me, and puts up with my weird quirks and habits. I have a daughter, who really does love me, even if sometimes, she doesn’t show it as clearly. And who is healthy, and smart and beautiful.
I may not have many friends, but the ones I DO have, are amazing women, who I am honored to call my friends. Even if there is a 90 minute plane ride between the most of us, we are there for each other in any way we can.

One friend I have over here, Sinead, is sacrificing her Sunday afternoon to take me driving across the test route in preparation for my test this Wednesday. I will be heading over there in an hour or so.

The break seems to have worked, I have found some calm in my Inner World again.
I will catch up on e-mail and comments tonight.

A great big thank you to you who keep checking in. It’s much appreciated!

My head is very busy at the moment. SO busy that I am getting in my own way. It happens sometimes. My "Inner World" overflows and I need to have a break.
I am still reading blogs in work, but feel like retreating back to "Lurkerdom" for a few days. (Have no access to Hotmail in work) Will not fire up the laptop at home for a bit either.

Because of studying for my driving test (I am totally obsessed.... If I can't recite the rules of the road book by the 30th, I will feel like I failed without even getting in to the car.) I am also taking a break from reading the Bible.

What I WANT to do, is rent a cottage at the coast, all by myself for a weekend and just... be. I don't have that luxury, and truth be told, I don't really think disconnection like that IRL would be a good idea.

Some friends from The Netherlands are coming over for the day tomorrow and Sunday we are going to have a family day. Paddy, Munchkin and I.

Love and Light

Last Tuesday, sitting in a callibration session at the other end of the building from where my desk is. It's 2two minutes to five and I really want to get out of there. I am smelling something funky, but it doens't really register.
Then, the alarm goes off! We open the door and the smell of gas is really strong.
We make to leave, but the woman leading the meeting has the nerve to ask if we could first finish up before evacuating the building.... Excuse me?? Ehhh, NO! I still can't believe she asked that. That woman has her priorities screwed up in a big, big way.

We all went to the assembly points and reported to our fire-marshall and were checked off the list. The smell of gas was strong, even outside. And what do two people from the neighbouring company do? They spark up a smoke!!! WTF?? Smoking at a gasleak? What are you? Braindead??

Then, the people that had their stuff, and were accounted for, were allowed to leave. But guess where my bag was? Right, at my desk! Would you think that the guy that sits next to me brought my bag out for me? (Like I
would have, had the roles been reversed?) Nope!

So we were caught waiting outside until the firemen gave us the all clear to go and get our stuff.

I am never leaving my desk again without my stuff (even bought a girly bag since. I usually have a backpack) and the next person that sparks up at a gas-leak will get a fire extinguisher emptied on their ass.....

It's that time of the week again!

This week, I am "cheating" and using something I already posted about. My Senseo machine.
We have wanted one for a while and when I saw that they were much cheaper in the Netherlands we caved and purchased this one:



In the mornings, I couldn't be bothered to brew a pot of coffee as this would take too long and I does likes my sleep! Every minute in bed counts. And I hate, hate, hate instant coffee.
Now, I walk in to the kitchen, hit the button, and by the time I have my shoes on, my cup of deliciously aromatic, frothy covered coffee is ready!

My (sorry, Our! ;) ) Senseo machine: Works for me.

As always: Check out Rocks in my Dryer for more!