My Inner World

Right, my head has been a busy place the last few weeks. Sometimes, I feel like I suffer from a mild form of disassociation. I am right there, in the world, in the workplace, in Life. Yet, somehow, I feel like I am encased in a bubble. I run through things in my head, over, and over and over again. Wonder where we will all be 10, or even just 5 years from now. I wonder what the purpose of it all is. Thinking about God allot. (Unfamiliar and strange, yet I can't help thinking: "what if?". What are my In Laws seeing that I am not?).
Thinking about the Goddess allot. (Familiar and comfortable, like a warm snuggly blanket.)

But mostly, I am thinking about my family. Munchkin, Paddy and I, and our life together. For a long time now, I have been feeling "incomplete". Our little family is lovely and I do feel SO very blessed to have what we have. It just feels, though, that we are only 3/4 of the way there.
I can only describe it as having a child shaped hole in my soul. The last missing part of the puzzle. Paddy felt the same, but has always seen reasons why we couldn't yet. But for me, there is a time limit involved. I want Munchkin to be able to grow up with her sibling. To be able to be a "team". Growing up, having a brother close in age, was nice. It's how I always felt a family should be. (For me personally. I am 100% sure that families with bigger age gaps can work, too. This is just how I, personally, always saw my family grow.)
I felt, and feel, very strongly about this. Our children deserve to have each other, to be able to share memories. I know I am not articulating myself very clearly. That's probably because it's something I feel, more than something I rationalize.

Last weekend, Paddy went to the pub with his Brother. Let's call him Connor. Connor and his girlfriend will be moving to Australia early next year. Paddy and Connor are very close and it's going to be very hard to see them go. The pints were flowing and the conversation moved towards the upcoming move and the future. It would seem that Connor is getting rather broody himself. They talked about families, kids, how much he and his Girlfriend adore Munchkin and the cousins. During this conversation, a lot of things apparently slid in to place for Paddy. When I called him to see how he was getting on, he was all enthused! The joy in his voice was so audible! It was like everything was so clear to him all of a sudden. He had made the decision to choose for us. For our family. To not let life and circumstance happen to us, but to take charge of our own lives. If that means moving, so bet it.
There are a few factors involved, money, his mother, to name but a few. But we have decided now, that if his mother says "no", then that's her choice, her right to do so, we will have to make our moves from there.
Paddy's cousin has asked her to mind her baby. If she says "yes" to her, when saying "no" to our potential child.... I doubt that my MIL would do that, but the possibility of it jarred me a bit. It re-emphasized how wrong it is to be so dependant on someone else.

After this conversation, I was just so overwhelmed with joy. (I know that's my friend's Internet Name, but it just describes the way I was feeling down to the tee!). Pure and utter happiness was flowing through me. The pieces slid in to place. This is what we are meant to do, this is what's right! Let the pieces fall where they may. We are putting our family first, and it feels so fantastic!
We are going to talk with my MIL this evening, too see what way we are going to have to move. I started taking my folic acid again last night.

I know that it may still be a long time before we get pregnant again. And who knows, it may even not happen for us at all. But the fact that we have made this choice for our family, as a family, has made me feel so connected again.

Munchkin's throat infection has lifted. And the transformation is nothing short of amazing. She is my happy, joyful little girl again. Lots of hugsies and kisses. The amount of "Time Out's" required, has more than halved. She is so much more content in herself. It warms my heart to see her so back to her own delightful form again. Man, I love that kid! Thanks so much for asking Overwhelmed and Annette!